It’s just a few minutes after 9 PM.

I’m sitting on the couch in the living room of our new-old rental house, my puppies sleeping to the left of me, my nursing books lay open to the right.

Obviously my laptop is on my lap.

The floor lamp beside the couch provides a dim illumination for the entire room. There is little assistance from the light above the kitchen sink – the one that never turns off.

The room is silent, other than the sound of my fingers tapping the keys on my keyboard as I write and the heave of the antique central air conditioner that’s trying so hard to maintain the house’s temperature at 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Crickets are chirping in the bushes outside the window that’s directly behind me as I sit on the couch. The poorly insulated windows that date back to 100 years ago allow me to clearly hear them at night. Every so often I can hear “choo-choo”, a whistle announcing the train that’s about to roll down the tracks that intersect a road only a block down from ours.

Empty boxes are piled shoulder high in one corner of the living room. Our 40″ flat screen HDTV sits unplugged on the floor next to the fireplace that works but can’t be used.

From where I’m sitting I can see into almost every room in the house.

To the my far right there is the “office” – I haven’t touched the room or the boxes in it since we moved here over a week ago.

Next to the office, still on my right is the master bedroom – Our bed is made and our clothes are put away but boxes full of picture frames and nick-nacks are left abandoned…for now.

On the other side of the TV, that sits directly in front of me, is the hallway that leads to a small coat closet, the second bathroom (that is still lacking a sink), and finally the second bedroom – I can just barely see the glow of the night light I placed in the electrical outlet by the door. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stumped my foot on the boxes that clutter the floor of that room, trying to make my way to the overhead light switch on the far right wall. I put that night light in the second bedroom so no one will break a leg going in.

On my far right is the kitchen – Every one of it’s cabinets are full and still there remains some things that have no home. The kitchen table is covered with misc pantry items and the counter top space is so minimal, I can’t decide which small appliances to put out.

Neil has been at work since 2 this afternoon and probably won’t be home until about 1 in the morning.

I’ve only accomplished a small amount of what I set out to do today and only read about 30 mins from my nursing book this morning.

I had dinner with Megan and her parents before she got sick from giving blood earlier today and had to be taken home. I wanted to stay and keep her company but left because what she really needed was sleep. As I sit here, writing this blog, I realized I wanted to stay for me and not for her.

I’m incredibly lonely here. Which is weird because, unlike in Eddyville, I have loved ones close. Bryan and Megan are only 4 minutes down the road.

It’s not boredom – I have plenty to do (reading for classes, decorating the house, etc.) – but more like unhappiness.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more out of place… With where I am, geographically, and in every way.

I thought coming here – being close to Neil’s working, being close to my school, being close to our best friends – was going to be a good thing. I thought it would make both Neil and I happy.

Neil is unhappy too. Mainly for a difference reason, tho. No. We’re not having marital issues. We’re fine, pretty much just like we always are. But he also understands how I’m feeling.

I’m stressed too. A kind of stress that I’ve never experienced so I don’t know how to deal with it. Nursing school is SO MUCH MORE than I ever thought it could be – in a good way and in a bad way. When I’m there I’m really excited and eager to learn but when I come home and sit down to read it all suddenly hits me. I have 16 chapters to study for the first exam that’s in 9 days. Sixteen chapters. Each chapter has about 15 page. Do the math. That’s a lot of reading. I didn’t believe them when they said you’re never studied before nursing school. Boy, were they right!

And finally, I’m stressed financially. Even though Neil’s making more money nowadays we’ also have more bills to pay. We’ve never paid rent before. That’s a big one. We’ve had to cut out a lot, tighten our belts, basically tape ours wallets shut. Of course my parent’s are still around if we need help but neither one of us want to take them up on it. It’s not really pride – if it comes to it we will ask for help – but we’re finally independent and we’d like that stay that way.

Maybe in a few weeks I’ll get settled in. Maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to finally unpack the rest of our boxes, hang our pictures on the wall and decorate with our nick-nacks. Who knows what will happen down the road. We might be finding a different place to live in Madisonville, we might be moving back to Paducah sooner than anticipated (nothing would make me happier at this point). All I know is I know what depression feels like and I feel it setting in.

I’ve learned. . . that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I’ve learned. . . that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I’ve learned. . . that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I’ve learned. . . that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I’ve learned. . . that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I’ve learned. . . that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I’ve learned. . . that you can keep going long after you can’t.

I’ve learned. . . that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I’ve learned. . . that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I’ve learned. . . that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned. . . that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned. . . that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I’ve learned. . . that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I’ve learned. . . that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I’ve learned. . . that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned. . . that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

I’ve learned. . . that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I’ve learned. . . that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned. . . that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned. . . that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I’ve learned. . . that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.

I’ve learned. . . that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned. . . that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I’ve learned. . . that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I’ve learned. . . that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I’ve learned. . . that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I’ve learned. . . that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon

- Author Unknown